CEDAR FALLS — The Cedar Falls Costume Approval Board has denied a permit application for a costume described on the form as “guy who is technically a vampire,” ruling 4-1 that the costume fails to meet the city’s minimum vampire standards “on a technicality so technical we had to invent the word.”
The applicant, 29-year-old office worker Greg Tillman, submitted the application on October 12 with a photo of himself in a black cape, plastic fangs, and — the board noted with concern — a name tag reading “HELLO, MY NAME IS: GREG (VAMPIRE).”
“The name tag was the first red flag,” said board chair Diane Kowalski. “Vampires do not wear name tags. They are mysterious. They brood. They do not attend mixers. Second: the fangs were, per our inspection, ‘clearly from a vending machine.’ Third, and most damning — he was smiling in the photo. Smiling. Vampires smolder. Everyone knows this.”
Tillman appealed the decision in person Tuesday, arriving in the same costume plus what he described as “vampire-adjacent accessories”: a velvet choker, a fake widow’s peak, and a tote bag reading “I DRINK BLOOD (ORANGE JUICE).”
“I’m technically a vampire,” Tillman told the board. “I filed the paperwork. I have the cape. The tote bag was $24. I don’t understand what more you want from me.”
What the board wanted, per the written ruling, was “commitment to the bit”: the application scored 2 out of 10 on the board’s Immersion Index, which measures cape drape, fang plausibility, accent consistency, and “general aura of the undead.” Tillman’s score was dragged down by what the ruling called “an upbeat demeanor incompatible with eternal damnation.”
“We approved a sexy vampire, a vampire accountant, and a vampire who is also a divorced dad,” Kowalski said. “We are not anti-vampire. We are pro-standards. Mr. Tillman is welcome to reapply as ‘guy in a cape,’ a category with a 98% approval rate.”
Tillman said he is considering the reapplication, but feels “the magic is gone.” He has, however, kept the tote bag.
“The tote bag is great,” he admitted. “Best $24 I ever spent.”
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