Municipal Squirrel Liaison Warns of ‘Nut Burglary Wave’ as Porch Pumpkins Hit Peak Edibility

BROOKFIELD — The city’s Municipal Squirrel Liaison has issued a formal warning about what she’s calling “a nut burglary wave of unprecedented audacity,” as local squirrels pivot from acorns to the far richer target now sitting on every porch in town: pumpkins.

“They’ve figured out the pumpkins,” said liaison Patricia Wexford, the city’s first and only squirrel liaison, a position created in 2022 after “the bird-feeder incident.” “A pumpkin is, to a squirrel, a house full of food with the door left open. They chew a hole, they climb in, they eat from the inside. By the time you notice, your jack-o’-lantern is a squirrel Airbnb.”

Wexford’s office has logged 212 pumpkin-related squirrel incidents since October 1, including 40 cases of “total pumpkin hollow-out,” 17 of “decorative gourd gnawing,” and one remarkable case in which a squirrel was found asleep inside a pumpkin “like it paid rent.”

“That one had dragged in leaves,” Wexford said. “Leaves. It was nesting. In a pumpkin. On the Hendersons’ porch. The Hendersons named it Kevin.”

The liaison’s warning includes a list of approved deterrents: petroleum jelly on the pumpkin’s surface (“they hate the texture, and frankly so do I”), hot sauce spray, and — her personal recommendation — “a stern conversation, delivered at dawn, in a firm tone.”

“Does the stern conversation work?” asked a reporter.

“The data is inconclusive,” Wexford admitted. “But it makes the humans feel better, and the humans are my actual constituents.”

Wildlife experts confirm the phenomenon is real and annual. “Squirrels are opportunists,” said Dr. Samuel Okafor, an urban ecologist. “A carved pumpkin is a pre-opened meal. It’s like leaving a pie on the windowsill and being surprised. Every October, we are all leaving pies on windowsills.”

Wexford’s office will host a “Protect Your Pumpkin” workshop Saturday at the community center, covering deterrent application, strategic pumpkin placement, and “advanced topics,” including what to do if a squirrel “has clearly established residency and may have rights.”

“We’re not saying call a lawyer,” Wexford said. “We’re saying know your options.”