County Clerk Declares War on Staples After 300 Ballot Envelopes Arrive Looking ‘Like Tiny Hedgehogs’

GREENFIELD — County Clerk Wanda Brill declared “a formal state of hostility” toward staples Wednesday after more than 300 mail ballot envelopes arrived at the elections office reinforced with what staff described as “an aggressive and frankly creative” number of staples.

“One envelope had eleven staples,” said ballot processing supervisor Kenji Tanaka, whose official title is Grand Marshall of the Envelope Opening Ceremony. “Eleven. On a standard envelope. It looked like a tiny hedgehog. A tiny, civic-minded hedgehog.”

The office’s industrial letter opener jammed twice, and one staffer reportedly needed tweezers, patience, and “a moment” to extract a ballot from what Tanaka called “the Fort Knox of envelopes.”

Brill’s anti-staple proclamation, issued on official letterhead, urges voters to seal envelopes with “the provided adhesive strip, a single piece of tape, or trust.” It specifically bans “staples, rivets, stitching, and melted wax seals depicting family crests.”

“We appreciate the enthusiasm,” Brill said. “Truly. But an envelope sealed with eleven staples is not secure. It is a cry for help. Your ballot is safe with us. You can let go.”

The proclamation includes a diagram of “acceptable closure methods” and a photograph of the eleven-staple envelope, now framed in the break room under the caption “NEVER AGAIN.”

The office will host an “Envelope Amnesty Day” next month, where voters may bring over-stapled envelopes for professional de-stapling “without judgment, mostly.” Forty residents have already registered, including Paul Grady, who plans to bring “the big one — fourteen staples, my personal best.” Tanaka called Grady “a legend and a problem.” The framed eleven-staple envelope now has a companion on the break room wall: a single staple, mounted alone under glass, labeled simply “THE DREAM.”

Grady’s fourteen-staple envelope — his “personal best” — will be displayed at Envelope Amnesty Day under the title “Ambition.” Tanaka has asked attendees “not to attempt to exceed it on-site.” Security will be present. “Not for the staples,” Tanaka clarified. “For the energy. The energy needs supervision.”

The office’s industrial letter opener has been retired “with honors” after the staple wars. Its replacement — a laser-guided model — arrives Friday. “It can handle up to three staples,” Tanaka said. “Four, if you believe.”

Voter response has been mixed. “I used six staples and I’d do it again,” said resident Paul Grady, 58. “The adhesive strip is a suggestion. The staples are a commitment.” Brill, informed of Grady’s statement, sighed — a sound exit pollsters would classify as “resigned incumbent energy.”