Official Town Bird Referendum Narrowly Won by Chickadee; Losing Sparrow Camp Demands Recount

HARLOW’S BEND — Measure 9, the referendum to designate the town’s official bird, was won by the black-capped chickadee by 38 votes, prompting the losing house sparrow camp to demand a recount and issue a statement calling the chickadee “a fine bird, but frankly, a seasonal resident.”

“The sparrow is here year-round. The sparrow endures,” said sparrow campaign chair Doug Henley, whose official title is Minister of Year-Round Birds. “The chickadee migrates. The chickadee has commitment issues. Do we want our town represented by a bird that leaves when it gets cold? Ask yourself that.”

Chickadee supporters, led by retired librarian Agnes Flood — self-styled Grand Marshall of Tiny Enthusiasm — countered that the chickadee’s distinctive call (“chick-a-dee-dee-dee”) was “basically already the town’s ringtone.”

“Everyone knows that call. Toddlers do the call. My microwave does the call — well, it beeps, but in my heart it’s the call,” Flood said. “The sparrow goes ‘chirp.’ Everything goes ‘chirp.’ The chickadee has branding.”

The county’s Office of Ballot Clarity confirmed the measure required a 22-page ornithological appendix, including the controversial ruling that “a bird must be a bird” — a clause added after one resident attempted to nominate “the concept of flight.”

The recount, conducted by the hand-recount committee under their surgical lighting, will examine all 6,204 ballots. Chairwoman Dot Ellery called it “the most delightful recount we’ve ever done,” adding that “bird ballots have excellent penmanship, generally.”

Verifer Brenda Puckett, the county’s self-appointed Director of Festive Morale, has developed a special “bird nod” for the occasion. “It’s like the regular nod, but lighter,” she demonstrated. “More… airborne.”

The appendix’s “a bird must be a bird” clause has inspired a local brewery’s new IPA of the same name. Flood called it “the chickadee’s first endorsement deal.” Henley called it “sparrow erasure in beverage form” and has countered with a stout: “Year-Round.”

The “Year-Round” stout outsold the chickadee IPA three-to-one in its first week. “The people have spoken,” Henley said, “and they prefer stout.” Flood called the sales figures “a dark day for light beer and small birds.”

Flood has proposed an annual “Bird Day” parade; Henley countered with “a moment of silence for the sparrow, observed year-round, as is traditional.” The parade committee meets Tuesday. The silence, Henley confirmed, “is ongoing.”

Results are expected Friday. The losing bird’s concession will be delivered at the town gazebo, where, per tradition, “the winner’s call will be played over the loudspeaker, and everyone will pretend that’s normal.”