Backseat Driver Licensing Bureau Issues 10,000th License to Mother-in-Law

The Backseat Driver Licensing Bureau issued its 10,000th license Monday — to a mother-in-law, “as tradition demands,” officials confirmed — formalizing what the bureau calls “the nation’s worst-kept open secret: everyone’s mother-in-law is already backseat driving, we’re just making it official.”

“Licensing doesn’t create backseat drivers,” explained Bureau Director Carol Simmons, 60, presenting the milestone license — printed on heavy cardstock, “suitable for waving” — to recipient Helen Pruitt, 68, who accepted it with the words “it’s about time.” “Licensing acknowledges them. It sets standards. A licensed backseat driver must signal before commenting, must not grab the dashboard, and may only say ‘watch out’ if there is, in fact, something to watch out for.”

The licensing program, launched two years ago, requires applicants to pass a written exam (sample question: “The driver has missed the exit. Do you: A) mention it once, B) mention it for the next 40 miles, or C) call the driver’s sibling to discuss it?”), a practical exam conducted in a real vehicle on a real highway, and a background check “for excessive honking.”

Helen Pruitt, the 10,000th licensee, scored a perfect 100 on the written exam and completed the practical in what examiners called “record time, because her son-in-law drives ‘like he’s being chased,’ her words.” Pruitt said she sought the license “for the legitimacy. I’ve been backseat driving for 30 years without credentials. Now when I say ‘slow down,’ it carries the weight of the bureau.”

Her son-in-law, Greg Henderson, 40, was present at the ceremony and, when asked for comment, said only: “She earned it. The license doesn’t change anything. She was already doing all of it. Now there’s paperwork.”

The bureau reports that licensed backseat drivers show a 30 percent reduction in “dashboard grabs” and a 50 percent increase in “constructive commentary,” which the bureau defines as observations that are both true and “phrased as a question, like ‘do you see the red light,’ which is technically a question.”

Holiday travelers are reminded that unlicensed backseat driving remains “tolerated but frowned upon,” and that the bureau’s expedited holiday licensing — “because Thanksgiving traffic makes backseat drivers of us all” — is available at rest areas along the Pie Corridor through the end of the month.