The Inflatable Reindeer Zoning Board voted 4-1 Wednesday to reject homeowner Marcus Webb’s application for a 14-foot inflatable Santa, ruling the display “structurally ambitious” and “a wind-load event waiting to happen.”
“Fourteen feet of nylon Santa is not a decoration. It is a sail,” said board chair Harlan Briggs, adjusting the reading glasses he wears exclusively for inflatable hearings. “Our engineers ran the numbers. At sustained winds of 25 miles per hour, that Santa generates lateral forces comparable to a small billboard. A billboard that waves. A waving billboard full of air.”
Webb, 41, was visibly frustrated. “It’s a Santa, not a skyscraper,” he told the board during public comment. “It deflates. That’s the whole point of inflatables. If it gets windy, Santa takes a nap. He’s designed to nap. It’s in the manual.”
The board was unmoved. Member Diane Kowalski cited the Great Inflatable Turkey Incident of 2022, in which an 11-foot Thanksgiving turkey broke its tethers during a November storm and came to rest, fully inflated, on the roof of the public library. “We had to close the library for a day and a half,” Kowalski said. “Children were traumatized. One child asked if the turkey was God. We cannot have a repeat with Santa. Santa is load-bearing to the entire holiday.”
In a compromise, the board approved Webb’s secondary application for a 9-foot inflatable reindeer, finding it “within acceptable whimsy parameters.” Webb accepted the reindeer but vowed to return. “The reindeer is fine,” he said. “But everybody knows a reindeer without a Santa is just a deer with a glowing nose and no purpose.”
Neighbor reaction was mixed. “I was looking forward to the big Santa,” said retiree Edna Marsh, 78. “My grandkids measure the holidays in inflatable feet. Last year we had six. This year, nine. It’s progress, but it’s not fourteen.”
The board’s 22-page decision includes 31 footnotes, among them a detailed history of the Great Inflatable Turkey Incident and a citation of the manufacturer’s manual for Webb’s Santa, which states on page 14: “In high winds, Santa will assume the nap position. This is normal. Do not be alarmed.” Briggs called the nap position “the most reassuring sentence in inflatable law.” Webb’s reindeer manual, he noted, contains the same clause. “The reindeer naps too,” Briggs said. “It’s a well-rested product line.”
The board’s written decision, all 22 pages, concludes with a reminder that inflatable displays exceeding 10 feet require a structural review, a tethering plan, and what the board calls “a frank conversation with your homeowner’s insurance agent.” Webb’s reindeer is scheduled for inflation on December 1st, weather and zoning permitting.
Join the conversation
Load Facebook comments to read and reply using your Facebook account.