Local Dentist Issues Preemptive Apology to Halloween Candy Bowl, Resigns From Holidays in Advance

RIVERSIDE — Dr. Alan Feldman, DDS, issued a preemptive apology to the Halloween candy bowl on Monday, and announced his resignation from “all holidays involving sugar,” effective immediately.

“I can’t do it anymore,” Feldman said, standing in his empty waiting room, which was decorated — by his staff, against his wishes — with a candy bowl he described as “a monument to my professional failure.” “Every year, I hand out toothbrushes. Every year, the children look at me like I handed them a parking ticket. This year, I’m done. I’m resigning from Halloween. And, preemptively, from Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Easter.”

Feldman’s resignation letter — addressed “To Whom It May Concern (The Candy Industrial Complex)” — cites “thirty years of fighting a war I cannot win” and “the incident,” referring to last Halloween, when a patient, age 9, presented with what Feldman called “a cavity shaped exactly like a gummy bear.”

“It was shaped like a gummy bear,” Feldman said, quietly. “The cavity. Shaped like. A gummy bear. I took a photo. It’s my phone background. Not because it’s funny. Because it’s a warning.”

His staff staged a small intervention disguised as a staff meeting. “We told him he’s a great dentist,” said hygienist Maria Santos. “We told him the toothbrush thing is iconic. The kids talk about ‘the toothbrush house’ all year. That’s branding, Alan. That’s legacy.”

Feldman was unmoved. “Legacy,” he repeated. “Last week a teenager came in, opened his mouth, and I said, ‘fun-size Snickers, approximately 40 pieces, based on the caramel pattern.’ I diagnosed the candy. From the teeth. That’s not dentistry. That’s forensics.”

In a compromise, Feldman’s practice will remain open through the holidays, but the waiting-room candy bowl has been replaced with what staff call “the compromise bowl”: sugar-free gum, stickers, and — Feldman’s one concession — “exactly six (6) pieces of chocolate, for morale.”

“Six pieces,” Feldman said. “Counted. Numbered. If a seventh appears, I’m calling the police.”