Municipal Witch Trial Reenactment Postponed After Cast Demands Actual Dungeon Benefits

SALEM-ADJACENT — The city’s annual Municipal Witch Trial Reenactment has been postponed indefinitely after the entire cast demanded “actual dungeon benefits,” including hazard pay, lumbar support, and “one (1) ergonomic broom per performer.”

The reenactment — a beloved tradition in which local volunteers portray 17th-century townsfolk in a historically “inspired” trial — ground to a halt Monday when the actor playing the dungeon keeper, 58-year-old Ron Pruitt, filed a grievance with the city’s Department of Theatrical Labor.

“I spend six hours a day in a stone cellar wearing a burlap tunic,” Pruitt said. “The cellar is damp. The tunic itches. Last year I developed what my doctor called ‘reenactor’s knee.’ I love history. But history should come with a cushion.”

The cast’s demands, presented in a 9-page document titled “The Performers’ Petition (This Time It’s Real),” include: hazard pay for “prolonged exposure to fake smoke and real dampness,” a 15-minute “broom break” every hour, and dental coverage — “because,” the document explains, “the cackling is hell on the molars.”

“The cackling clause is non-negotiable,” said Linda Marsh, who plays the head witch and, per the program, “cackles approximately 200 times per performance.” “Try cackling 200 times. I’ll wait. My dentist sends me a Christmas card now. We’re that close.”

City officials were sympathetic but unprepared. “We budgeted for costumes, programs, and one (1) gavel,” said events coordinator Tom Delgado. “We did not budget for ergonomic brooms. Do you know what an ergonomic broom costs? I do now. It’s $89. We need fourteen.”

Historians consulted by the city noted the irony. “The actual 17th-century participants had no benefits whatsoever,” said Dr. Patricia Hale of the regional historical society. “No hazard pay. No broom breaks. On the other hand, they also had no union rep, so — progress?”

Negotiations resume Thursday. The cast has agreed to perform one (1) preview show “under protest, in costume, but with visible lumbar pillows.”

“The pillows are period-inaccurate,” admitted director Susan Wexford. “But so is the gift shop, and nobody complains about the gift shop.”