Cat Costume Census: 1 in 3 Adults Will Dress as Cats; Actual Cats Unimpressed

PORTLAND — The annual Cat Costume Census, conducted by the National Association of Halloween Statisticians, has found that one (1) in three (3) adults plans to dress as a cat this Halloween — a figure the association called “statistically overwhelming” and local cats called “whatever.”

“Thirty-three percent,” said census director Dr. Emily Hart, adjusting her own cat-ear headband, which she described as “field research.” “One in three adults. Whiskers drawn on with eyeliner. A tail, probably from a discount store. The tail is always from a discount store. We can tell.”

The census — a survey of 10,000 adults conducted via “mall intercepts and one (1) very patient graduate student” — breaks the cat costume down by subtype: 41% “classic black cat,” 27% “sexy cat” (a category the report notes “with concern”), 18% “cat with a pun” (including “ceiling cat,” “copycat,” and one “cat-astrophe”), and 14% “just ears, honestly not even trying.”

Actual cats, surveyed separately via “observational methods,” were unimpressed. “We showed 50 cats a photo of a human in a cat costume,” said animal behaviorist Dr. Samuel Okafor. “Forty-seven walked away. Two hissed. One — one cat — stared for a full minute, then knocked the photo off the table. We consider that the most engaged response.”

“They don’t get it,” said self-described “cat costume enthusiast” Jessica Marlowe, who has dressed as a cat for nine consecutive years. “My cat, Biscuit, watches me put on the ears every year. Every year, the same look. Like, ‘we talked about this.’ But it’s tradition now. I can’t stop. The ears are part of me.”

The census also found that 68% of cat-costume wearers will say “meow” unprompted at least once during the evening, and that 12% have “a practiced cat stretch.” The report’s conclusion: “The cat costume is not a costume. It is a lifestyle. The cats know. The cats have always known.”

Reached for comment, Biscuit the cat knocked a pen off a table and left the room.