WASHINGTON-ADJACENT — The Federal Bureau of Seasonal Transitions has declared November 1 “National Return to Normalcy Day,” and announced a Leftover Candy Amnesty Program for Americans “drowning in fun-size bars and regret.”
“By November 1st, the average household has 4.7 pounds of leftover Halloween candy,” said Bureau director Dr. Alan Prescott, standing beside a podium draped in orange-and-black bunting that staff were already taking down. “That’s 4.7 pounds of temptation sitting in a bowl by the door, judging you. We’re here to help.”
The Amnesty Program allows citizens to surrender leftover candy at 2,000 drop-off sites nationwide — libraries, fire stations, and “one (1) very brave dentist’s office” — with “no questions asked and no judgment rendered, except for the candy corn, which will be counted separately.”
“The candy corn always gets counted separately,” Prescott said. “We don’t know why. It’s tradition. The interns handle it. They’ve stopped asking.”
Surrendered candy will be redistributed to food banks, military care packages, and “the Bureau’s own break room, which — off the record — is how this program started.”
The Return to Normalcy declaration also establishes guidelines for the transition: decorations should be removed “within a reasonable timeframe, defined as before Thanksgiving, ideally before your neighbors start leaving notes”; pumpkin-spice products “may remain until supplies run out, which — let’s be honest — is never”; and residents are encouraged to “greet November with dignity, fiber, and a salad.”
“November is a month of healing,” Prescott said. “The costumes go in a bin. The candy goes to amnesty. The inflatable ghost — all 40 feet of it — gets deflated. We exhale. We eat a vegetable. We begin again.”
The Bureau’s hotline, 555-NOV1, will be staffed through November 15 for “transition support,” including “someone to talk you out of eating the emergency stash” and “reassurance that the neighbors’ decorations are coming down too.”
“Probably,” Prescott added. “Eventually. Give them time. Give yourself time. Happy November.”
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