O’HARE-ADJACENT — The Airport Baggage Committee is currently holding 200 replica swords in a secure storage room, pending a ruling on whether Halloween costume weapons qualify as carry-on items, checked items, or — in the committee’s words — “a real problem.”
The swords were confiscated over a single weekend as travelers attempted to board flights in full costume, wielding foam broadswords, plastic katanas, inflatable battle-axes, and one (1) remarkably convincing replica claymore that, per the incident report, “fooled two (2) TSA agents and one (1) pilot.”
“Every October it’s the same,” said committee chairwoman Lisa Tran, gesturing at shelves of confiscated weaponry. “The pirates, the knights, the anime protagonists. They all think the foam sword is fine. The foam sword is not fine. Nothing sword-shaped is fine. We have a poster. The poster shows a sword with a line through it. People take selfies with the poster and then try to bring the sword anyway.”
The committee’s pending ruling will establish a formal Costume Weapon Classification System: Class A (clearly foam, under 24 inches — checked baggage only), Class B (plastic but realistic — checked baggage, plus a conversation), and Class C (“if it fooled the pilot — we keep it, and we call your airline”).
Among the confiscated items: a trident (“Poseidon, flight 1147”), a scythe (“Grim Reaper, but the handle was real wood — real wood!”), and a lightsaber that, per the report, “made the noise,” which the committee classified as “an aggravating factor.”
“The lightsaber made the noise,” Tran repeated. “In the security line. At 6 a.m. There is no policy for the noise. We’re writing one.”
Travelers may reclaim confiscated items within 30 days by presenting a claim ticket and “a sincere apology.” Unclaimed weapons will be donated to a local theater company, which the committee described as “thrilled” and “slightly concerned about the claymore.”
The committee’s advice for Halloween travelers: “Ship the sword. Wear the costume. Everybody’s happy. Especially the pilot.”
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