Airport Parking Orbit Patrol Reports Average Vehicle Circling Time Up to 47 Minutes

The Airport Parking Orbit Patrol released its annual holiday report Tuesday, finding that the average driver now circles the terminal 11 times — approximately 47 minutes — before either finding a parking space or “achieving a state of acceptance.”

“We’ve identified five stages of parking grief,” said Patrol Commander Diane Kowalski, 55, presenting the report’s findings from a golf cart parked, ironically, in a no-parking zone. “Denial: ‘There’s got to be a spot on Level 3.’ Anger: ‘Who designed this garage, a maze enthusiast?’ Bargaining: ‘I’ll pay anything, take my money.’ Depression: circling in silence. And finally, acceptance: parking at the off-site lot and taking the shuttle, which is what you should have done 47 minutes ago.”

The patrol, a six-officer unit in reflective vests, monitors the terminal loop during peak travel periods, logging circling vehicles and offering what Kowalski calls “compassionate intervention.” Officers are trained to approach drivers on their eighth lap with bottled water and a laminated map showing the off-site lot, “which is only a 12-minute shuttle ride, a fact circling drivers find physically impossible to believe.”

This year’s report includes a new metric: the Desperation Index, which measures how far from the terminal drivers are willing to park. The current record, set last Thanksgiving, stands at 2.3 miles, held by a man who parked at a nearby shopping mall and, according to the report, “walked in with his luggage and a pretzel, and honestly seemed fine.”

The patrol also documented 214 cases of “spot mirage,” in which a driver sees an open space that turns out to contain a motorcycle, a shopping cart, or “a painted rectangle that looks open from far away but isn’t, which feels like a personal betrayal.”

Holiday travelers are advised to budget 60 minutes for parking, arrive before the rush, or embrace what the report calls “the shuttle lifestyle.” “The shuttle has heat,” Kowalski said. “The shuttle has a driver who knows where they’re going. The shuttle is freedom.”

The patrol will double its staffing for the Sunday after Thanksgiving, when, Kowalski noted, “everyone returns at once, all of them late, all of them circling, all of them convinced Level 3 has a spot. Level 3 has never had a spot.”