Gas Station Snack Procurement Authority Declares Emergency Reserve of 40,000 Slim Jims

Citing “unprecedented road-trip demand projections,” the Tri-County Gas Station Snack Procurement Authority voted Monday to activate the region’s Strategic Beef Jerky Reserve, releasing 40,000 Slim Jims and 12,000 bags of off-brand cheese puffs to convenience stores along the I-70 corridor.

“Our models show the average Thanksgiving driver consumes 2.7 gas-station snacks per hour after the third hour,” said Debbie Tran, 46, the authority’s Snack Readiness Coordinator, standing before a wall of inventory charts. “By hour six, they’re buying things they can’t pronounce. By hour nine, they’re buying beef jerky for people who aren’t in the car. We have to be ready.”

The reserve, established in 2019 after what Tran calls “the Great Pork Rind Shortage” — an incident she declines to discuss further — is stored in a climate-controlled warehouse outside the city limits, alongside the region’s emergency mustard packets and a pallet of those little powdered donuts that the authority classifies as “morale-critical infrastructure.”

Distribution will be allocated by county according to each area’s Road Trip Desperation Index, a formula weighing average drive time to grandmother’s house, number of children under 10 per vehicle, and regional tolerance for the phrase “are we there yet.” Counties scoring above 8.0 on the 10-point index will receive priority shipments of sour gummy worms, which Tran described as “the nuclear option of backseat diplomacy.”

Local store owners welcomed the news. “Last year I ran out of jerky by 2 p.m. on Wednesday,” said Ray Kowalski, 58, who operates a station at mile marker 112. “A man offered me $40 for a display box. A DISPLAY box. I still think about him.”

The authority also issued its annual advisory reminding travelers that gas-station sushi “is a personal decision the authority cannot endorse,” and that the roller grill hot dogs, while technically food, should be approached “with the same caution you’d give a rest-stop pie with no stars.”

The reserve activation runs through the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Tran confirmed that any unclaimed Slim Jims will be rolled into the Christmas reserve, “because the need, like the highway, never ends.”