Left-Lane Loitering Tribunal Sentences Holiday Drivers to Right-Lane Remedial Training

The Interstate Left-Lane Loitering Tribunal handed down its first holiday-season sentences Monday, ordering 34 drivers to complete a four-hour Right-Lane Remedial Training course after they were observed cruising in the passing lane at speeds “best described as leisurely.”

“The left lane is for passing,” said Tribunal Chair Judge Carol Simmons, 61, reading from the bench of a courtroom decorated with what she called “educational traffic cones.” “It is not for contemplating. It is not for enjoying the scenery. It is certainly not for matching the speed of the truck next to you for 11 miles while a line of 40 cars forms behind you like a funeral procession.”

The tribunal, established last year after highway patrol data showed left-lane camping had increased 60 percent during holiday travel periods, uses a combination of officer observations and dashboard-camera evidence submitted by “concerned citizens,” a category Simmons defined as “everyone who has ever driven behind one of these people.”

Convicted drivers must complete the remedial course, which includes a two-hour lecture titled “The Lane Is Not a Lifestyle,” a practical exercise in merging right “with conviction,” and a written exam featuring the essay question: “Describe a situation in which remaining in the left lane for nine miles was necessary. (There isn’t one. Explain why.)”

One sentenced driver, who requested anonymity because “my bumper sticker says ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ and this is embarrassing,” argued that he was “going the speed limit, which is the law.” Simmons was unmoved. “The speed limit is the law,” she agreed. “The left lane is a courtesy. You can be legal and still be the villain. Ask anyone who’s been behind you.”

The tribunal also issued commendations to 12 drivers observed “passing with purpose and merging with grace,” awarding each a dashboard placard reading “Certified Lane Citizen.” Simmons said the placards have no legal force but “look fantastic in a rear window.”

Holiday travelers are reminded that tribunal patrols will be tripled for the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, when, Simmons noted, “the left lane becomes a parking lot with ambitions, and we will be watching.”