Patio Inspector Declares 14 Front Porches ‘Excessively Creepy’; Fines Payable in Candy Corn

MAPLEWOOD — City Patio Inspector Dale Krumholz has declared 14 front porches “excessively creepy” under the city’s Porch Ambiance Ordinance, issuing fines payable — in a first for the department — in candy corn.

“The ordinance allows fines in the form of ‘seasonal confectionery at the inspector’s discretion,'” Krumholz said, tapping a citation affixed to a porch featuring a rocking chair that rocks by itself. “It’s right there in section 12. Nobody ever reads section 12. I read section 12.”

The 14 cited porches were flagged during Krumholz’s annual October Creep Audit, a three-night survey in which the inspector walks every residential street after dark, clipboard in hand, rating porches on what he calls “the shiver scale.”

“A 1 is ‘mildly spooky’ — a pumpkin, a string of orange lights, fine,” Krumholz explained. “A 5 is ‘I am uncomfortable and I do this for a living.’ The rocking-chair porch was a 6. The scale only goes to 5. I had to invent the 6.”

Other cited porches included: a display featuring 40 dolls “all facing the street” (a 5), a fog machine timed to activate when pedestrians pass (a 5, “with malice”), and a porch where the owner sits motionless in a rocking chair “and you’re never sure if he’s part of the display” (a 6, “the second 6 I’ve ever given”).

The owner of the motionless-rocking-chair porch, 71-year-old Walter Briggs, was delighted by the citation. “I’ve been sitting on this porch for 30 years,” Briggs said, not moving. “Nice to finally get recognized.”

Fines range from 2 to 10 pounds of candy corn, depending on the shiver rating. Krumholz said the collected candy corn will be donated to the Candy Corn Discourse Tribunal “as evidence,” then to a local food bank, “which has agreed to take it, reluctantly.”

“I’m not anti-creepy,” Krumholz said. “I love a good creepy porch. But there’s a line, and the line is 40 dolls facing the street. Everybody knows that.”