Sanitation Department Unveils Pumpkin Cannon, Calls It ‘Ballistic Composting’

PORT ASTER — The Port Aster Sanitation Department unveiled its newest piece of equipment Tuesday: a compressed-air pumpkin cannon capable of launching a ten-pound gourd 400 yards into the city’s central composting facility, a method officials have termed “ballistic composting.”

“Traditional pumpkin disposal is a multi-step process: collection, transport, unloading, quartering,” said Sanitation Director Lou Carpini, standing beside the twelve-foot cannon as technicians loaded a test pumpkin. “Ballistic composting is a one-step process. The step is: fire.”

The cannon — constructed from surplus pneumatic equipment, forty feet of industrial tubing, and what Carpini described as “a breech mechanism we absolutely had inspected” — was test-fired three times during the demonstration. The first pumpkin sailed 380 yards and burst on impact “into what our composting chief called ‘pre-quartered material.’” The second overshot the facility and landed in an adjacent field, where it was “immediately claimed by squirrels, which the Municipal Squirrel Liaison has logged as a successful diversionary outcome.” The third achieved what technicians are calling “aerodynamic disassembly,” separating mid-flight into “compost-ready fragments.”

“That third one was the dream,” Carpini said. “It composted itself on the way down. If we can replicate that consistently, we’re looking at the most efficient gourd-processing system in the tri-county area, possibly the state.”

The Pumpkin Disposal Authority’s Chief Gourd Officer, Harlan Voss, attended the demonstration and offered qualified support. “It is unorthodox,” Voss said. “It is loud. But the Authority’s position has always been that a pumpkin in the compost stream is a pumpkin doing its job, regardless of the velocity at which it arrives.”

Safety protocols are extensive: a 500-yard clear zone, ear protection for all personnel, and a spotter with binoculars “whose entire job is yelling ‘pumpkin’ before each launch, which he does with tremendous authority.” The department has also filed the required paperwork with the city’s Drone Patrol, whose supervisor noted that “a pumpkin at 400 yards is technically low-altitude air traffic, and we have a form for that.”

The cannon will enter regular service Monday, operating two days a week through the end of the disposal season. Residents are invited to watch from the designated viewing area, “bring earmuffs for the kids,” and — Carpini added — “please, we cannot stress this enough, do not bring your own pumpkins to launch. The line for the cannon is staff only. We learned this the hard way during the demonstration. There is always one guy.”