State Certifies First Class of ‘Are We There Yet’ Backseat Mediators

Twenty-three graduates received their certifications Saturday as the state’s first licensed “Are We There Yet” Backseat Mediators, completing a 40-hour training program in conflict de-escalation, singalong diplomacy, and the strategic deployment of fruit snacks.

“Nobody teaches you how to answer ‘are we there yet’ for the 400th time without crying,” said program director Susan Bellamy, 54, herself a veteran of 19 Thanksgiving drives with twins. “Our mediators learn 60 approved responses, ranked by effectiveness. Number one: ‘We’re closer than we were.’ Number 60: ‘Ask your father.’ We do not recommend number 60 before hour four.”

The curriculum covers the four phases of backseat unrest — restlessness, repetition, rebellion, and what instructors call “the quiet,” which Bellamy described as “either sleep or plotting; you have to check.” Trainees practice in a decommissioned minivan fitted with hidden speakers that play the phrase “I’m boooored” on a randomized loop for six hours.

Graduate Marcus Webb, 31, said the training changed his approach to family travel. “I used to just turn up the radio,” he admitted. “Now I understand the backseat as a negotiating table. Last week my daughter demanded a rest stop 20 minutes after the last rest stop. Instead of saying no, I said, ‘Help me understand what a rest stop means to you.’ She said, ‘Bathroom.’ We stopped. It was the right call.”

Certified mediators will be available for hire through the holiday season at $45 an hour, riding in the middle seat with a clipboard, a bag of pretzels, and what the program calls “neutral facial expressions.” Premium packages include a mediator trained in tablet-battery triage and one fluent in the iPad parental-controls passcode.

The state transportation department, which accredited the program, says demand is already overwhelming. “We have 400 families on the waitlist,” said department spokesperson Tom Rivas, 47. “One family requested two mediators — one per child. We told them that’s not mediation, that’s a hostage negotiation, and referred them to our advanced program.”

Bellamy’s advice for families who can’t secure a mediator: “Lower your standards. The drive is eight hours. Nobody remembers hour three. Pack twice the snacks you think you need, and remember — the backseat always wins eventually.”