Write-In Campaign for Dogcatcher Gains Momentum After Candidate Promises ‘Snacks for All Dogs, Questions for None’

MILLERS GROVE — The write-in campaign of Gary Plumb for the ceremonial office of Town Dogcatcher gained unexpected momentum this week after Plumb unveiled his platform: “Snacks for all dogs, questions for none.”

“The current dogcatcher has held the office for twenty-two years and has never once caught a dog,” Plumb said at a rally attended by nine voters and fourteen dogs. “I respect the tradition of inaction. But I believe we can do nothing, together, with snacks.”

The office of Town Dogcatcher — an unpaid, largely symbolic position created in 1911 — carries exactly one official duty: “to be available in the event of a dog-related situation.” No dog-related situation has ever been formally declared, though longtime residents recall “the poodle incident of 1987,” about which Plumb declined to elaborate, citing “respect for the poodle.”

Plumb, whose official campaign title is “self-appointed voice of the leashless,” has run a disciplined campaign: one yard sign (since confiscated for exceeding the four-sign limit by negative three), zero debates, and a promise to “catch no dogs, as is traditional, but to do so with unprecedented transparency.”

His opponent — technically the incumbent, 78-year-old Harlan Voss — has not campaigned, citing “the dignity of the office.” Voss was informed of Plumb’s candidacy on Tuesday and responded, “Gary’s a good boy,” which Plumb’s campaign has printed on buttons.

County Clerk Wanda Brill confirmed that write-in votes for dogcatcher are “counted, technically,” by a single volunteer “who finds it funny.” The volunteer, who asked not to be named, said last cycle’s dogcatcher race drew 312 write-in votes, “including one for an actual dog named Biscuit, who remains the office’s most popular candidate in history.”

Plumb, asked about Biscuit’s shadow candidacy, was gracious. “Biscuit is a fine dog and would make a fine dogcatcher,” he said. “But Biscuit cannot distribute snacks, because Biscuit would eat the snacks. I have opposable thumbs. This is my entire platform advantage.”

Plumb’s confiscated yard sign — seized for “negative-three violations,” a first in county history — now hangs at campaign headquarters (his garage) beneath a banner reading “CENSORED BY BIG SIGN.” Donations, mostly in dog treats, have tripled. “The people have spoken,” Plumb said. “Woof.”

Biscuit — the actual dog, 2022’s most popular write-in — has endorsed Plumb. “Biscuit’s owner confirmed the endorsement,” Plumb said. “Biscuit communicated it via tail wag. It was unambiguous.” Voss, the incumbent, had no comment.

Polls — conducted informally at the dog park — show Plumb leading among voters “who bring their own bags,” a key demographic. Election Day is Tuesday. The snacks, Plumb confirmed, “are already purchased, in bulk, mostly bacon-flavored.”