Sleep-Schedule Arbitration Board Rules 3 A.M. Is ‘Nobody’s Business, Actually’

In a landmark 4-3 decision, the Sleep-Schedule Arbitration Board ruled Tuesday that 3 a.m. is ‘nobody’s business, actually,’ settling a months-long dispute between night-shift nurse Paula Dempsey and her downstairs neighbor, who had filed 19 noise complaints about what he described as ‘aggressive normal living at an unreasonable hour.’

‘Ms. Dempsey’s 3 a.m. existence is lawful, legitimate, and frankly impressive,’ wrote board chairwoman Hon. Rita Calloway in the majority opinion. ‘The complainant is advised to purchase earplugs, a white-noise machine, or a sense of perspective.’

The ruling comes just days before the November 1 fall-back, which the board acknowledged will ‘temporarily relocate 3 a.m. to a position formerly occupied by 2 a.m.,’ a development Calloway called ‘legally irrelevant but spiritually exhausting.’

Dempsey, who works the 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. shift at County General, testified that she had tried ‘everything’ to be quiet, including microwaving her dinners at what she called ‘a whisper setting’ and doing laundry ‘like a ghost.’

‘I fold my clothes in the dark now,’ Dempsey told the board. ‘I have developed night vision. I am basically an owl with a mortgage.’

The dissenting opinion, written by board member Frank Gilley, argued that 3 a.m. ‘should belong to everyone equally, which is to say, to no one, which is to say, be quiet.’ Gilley has been awake since 1997 and was unavailable for further comment.