Municipal Squirrel Liaison Reports Squirrels ‘Completely Unbothered,’ Calls Them ‘Suspiciously Prepared’

Municipal Squirrel Liaison Gary Wexler filed his fall-back readiness report Tuesday, noting with alarm that the city’s squirrel population appears ‘completely unbothered’ by the impending November 1 time change, a composure he described as ‘suspiciously prepared.’

‘They’ve been burying nuts for weeks,’ Wexler said, binoculars around his neck, notebook in hand. ‘Weeks. Before any human started talking about the clocks. How did they know? What else do they know?’

Wexler’s report documents that local squirrels have maintained ‘perfect foraging schedules’ throughout the daylight saving transition period, showing ‘zero temporal confusion’ and, in one documented case, ‘what appeared to be smugness.’

‘A squirrel looked directly at me while I was resetting my watch,’ Wexler said. ‘It held eye contact. It knew. It has always known.’

The liaison’s office, established in 2019 after the ‘Great Bird Feeder Incident,’ employs two full-time staff and maintains a database of 400 individually identified squirrels, each with a name, territory map, and ‘preparedness rating.’

Wexler has requested emergency funding for ‘counter-squirrel temporal readiness,’ including 50 tiny watches. The request is pending. ‘They wouldn’t need the watches,’ Wexler admitted. ‘It’s a gesture. A gesture of respect. And fear.’