Airport Baggage Committee Blames Late Luggage on Hour That ‘Technically Never Existed’

The Airport Baggage Committee issued a statement Tuesday attributing 340 cases of delayed luggage to ‘the hour that technically never existed,’ referring to the spring-forward hour of last March, which the committee insists ‘is still out there somewhere, holding our suitcases.’

‘Every spring, we lose an hour,’ said committee chair Big Mike Donnelly. ‘And every spring, luggage goes missing. Coincidence? The committee thinks not. Somewhere there is a pocket of un-time, and in it, there is a carousel, and on that carousel, your bag is going around and around, forever.’

The committee’s report, titled ‘Where Does the Hour Go? (And Our Bags With It),’ proposes a $2 million ‘Temporal Baggage Recovery Initiative,’ which would involve ‘standing near the carousel during the fall-back encore hour and asking, politely, for the bags back.’

Airline officials declined to comment, except for one gate agent who said, ‘Your bag is in Cleveland,’ which the committee has entered into evidence as ‘a confession, basically.’

Traveler Maria Santos, whose suitcase has been missing since March, said she found the theory ‘strangely comforting.’ ‘I’d rather my bag be trapped in a lost hour of time than just… lost,’ she said. ‘The lost hour has a certain dignity.’

The committee will reconvene during the November 1 encore hour, which Donnelly called ‘our best shot at getting the bags back, and honestly, our only plan.’