Coffee Cartel Denies Price Gouging Ahead of Fall-Back: ‘Darkness Is Just Expensive’

The regional Coffee Cartel — a trade association of 60 independent coffee shops — denied allegations of price gouging Tuesday, insisting that the 40-cent ‘temporal adjustment surcharge’ appearing on fall-back weekend menus reflects the fact that ‘darkness is just expensive.’

‘Do you know what it costs to keep the lights on when it’s dark at 5 p.m.?’ asked cartel spokesperson Big Mike Donnelly. ‘Do you know what it costs to keep a barista conscious when their circadian rhythm has filed for divorce? Forty cents. That’s what it costs.’

The surcharge, listed on menus as ‘DST Transition Support Fee,’ has drawn complaints from commuters, who note that their coffee ‘tastes the same, just darker, like everything else now.’

Donnelly defended the fee with a chart showing coffee consumption spikes 300% in the week after the fall-back, a phenomenon the cartel calls ‘the darkness dividend’ and economists call ‘Tuesday.’

‘We’re not gouging,’ Donnelly said. ‘Gouging is when you charge more for the same thing. We’re charging more for the same thing, but sadder. That’s different. That’s ambiance.’

The cartel has also announced a fall-back specialty drink, ‘The Encore Hour,’ a double espresso served at 2 a.m. and again at 2 a.m. ‘It’s the same drink twice,’ Donnelly said. ‘Like the hour. Poetry.’