Darkness-at-5PM Morale Office Issues Emergency Lantern Allotment, Demands Citizens ‘Sit Somewhere Lit’

With the November 1 end of daylight saving time set to plunge the 5 p.m. hour into darkness, the Darkness-at-5PM Morale Office announced an emergency lantern allotment Tuesday, distributing 8,000 lanterns to households with instructions to ‘sit somewhere lit and think cheerful thoughts until March.’

‘The darkness is coming for the commute,’ said Morale Director Brenda Puckett, self-appointed Director of Festive Morale, at a press conference held entirely by lantern light for what she called ‘atmospheric preparedness.’ ‘We cannot stop it. We can only glow through it.’

The allotment includes one lantern per household, two for households with teenagers — ‘they need more light to see their own despair,’ Puckett explained — and a commemorative pamphlet titled ‘So the Sun Gave Up: A Citizen’s Guide to 5 P.M. Nightfall.’

The office has also established 14 ‘Cheer Stations’ at bus stops across town, where volunteers will hand out glow sticks and recite approved affirmations, including the official motto: ‘It Is Only Dark Because the Earth Is Tilted, Not Because of Anything You Did.’

Not all residents are reassured. ‘I get home at 5:15 and it’s basically midnight,’ said commuter Tom Ellery. ‘My dog thinks it’s bedtime. My body thinks it’s bedtime. The only thing awake is my anxiety.’

Puckett urged Ellery to attend a Cheer Station. ‘We’ll have a glow stick with his name on it. Literally. We write names on them. It’s in the budget.’