Deer Camp and the Bluetooth Menace

Big D has rules for deer camp. Rule one: no phones. Rule two: no talking above a whisper. Rule three: absolutely nothing with a battery that beeps.

Marcus brought a Bluetooth speaker.

“It’s for nature sounds,” he whispered, which was already a violation of rule two. “Owls. Crickets. Ambience. The deer will think it’s just the woods.”

The deer did not think it was just the woods.

Meanwhile, Dewayne was asleep in his stand, snoring loud enough to register on weather radar. Between him and Marcus, the woods sounded like a truck stop with a podcast problem.

At 6 a.m., from thirty feet up a tree, Marcus’s speaker started playing what was labeled “Dawn Chorus” but was, in fact, a podcast about cryptocurrency. At full volume. The host was very excited about something called staking.

Three deer left the county. A squirrel threw an acorn at us. I think it was personal.

Marcus fumbled for his phone and somehow switched it to his workout playlist. Heavy metal echoed through the hollow like the forest itself had joined a gym.

Big D climbed down, walked over, and turned the speaker off with the slow, deliberate movements of a man defusing a bomb.

“Ambience,” Big D said.

We saw zero deer that day. Zero. The speaker now lives in the truck bed permanently, where we call it “the decoy,” because the only thing it attracts is regret.

Marcus still says the crypto guys made some good points.

A new rule was carved into the cabin wall that night. Rule four: Marcus doesn’t bring the speaker. Marcus doesn’t bring anything with a power button.