Football Intermission Conversation Committee Publishes Approved Topics List

DALLAS — The Halftime Discourse Regulation Panel has published its annual list of approved conversation topics for Thanksgiving football intermissions, a document the Panel describes as “the difference between a pleasant halftime and a family schism.”

The list, now in its ninth year, divides topics into three tiers: Green (safe for all audiences), Yellow (proceed with caution and snacks), and Red (banned until at least the third quarter, preferably never).

Green-tier topics this year include: the weather (“a classic”), the food (“compliment the cook, even if the turkey is dry — especially if the turkey is dry”), the halftime show’s costume budget, and “whatever the dog is doing” (“the dog is always doing something, and it is always safe”).

Yellow-tier topics include: work (“brief updates only, no layoff announcements”), the neighbors’ new fence (“observations, not judgments”), and fantasy football (“only if everyone at the table plays; otherwise it is just numbers shouted at people who did not consent”).

The Red tier remains extensive. Banned topics include: politics (“all of it, every flavor”), religion (“save it for grace, which is also regulated”), money (“nobody’s salary, nobody’s mortgage, nobody’s ‘investment opportunity'”), and “the thing that happened in 2019” (“you know what you did, and so does everyone else”).

“The list is not censorship,” insisted Panel Chair Doug Ramsey, 55, a former debate coach who now mediates family gatherings professionally. “It is choreography. A halftime is 30 minutes. That is not enough time to resolve anything. It is exactly enough time to enjoy pie and discuss the dog.”

New to this year’s list: a Green-tier addition for “the parade” (“nostalgic, low-risk, excellent pivot material”) and a Yellow-tier warning on “AI” (“half the table will have strong opinions and none of them will be informed”).

The Panel also introduced the “halftime buddy system,” pairing each guest with a conversation partner to prevent what Ramsey called “corner monologues” — extended one-sided speeches delivered to trapped relatives. “If you see a corner monologue forming,” the guidelines advise, “intervene with pie. Pie is the universal circuit breaker.”

The list will be distributed to households nationwide on November 15, printed on cards designed to look like playbooks. “People respect a playbook,” Ramsey said. “Nobody argues with a laminated card.”

The laminated playbook cards, distributed to 50,000 households last year, proved so popular the Panel has ordered a second printing. “People keep them,” Ramsey said. “We got a photo of one taped to a refrigerator, next to a child’s drawing. That’s the dream — the discourse guidelines, right there between the art and the takeout menus.” This year’s edition adds a QR code linking to “emergency pie recipes,” for situations requiring immediate dessert deployment.