Write-In Candidate Name Pronunciation Committee Certifies 12 Acceptable Sayings of ‘Schmetterling’

MAPLE COUNTY — Democracy is hard to spell and harder to say. The Write-In Candidate Name Pronunciation Committee has certified 12 acceptable pronunciations of Schmetterling, the surname of the county’s most prominent write-in candidate for Soil and Water Conservation District, after a hearing that lasted four hours and required two recesses.

Candidate Greta Schmetterling, a retired librarian running on a platform of ditch maintenance and native grasses, has been campaigning for months. But poll workers reported widespread voter anxiety about pronouncing her name aloud at check-in, with several voters resorting to the candidate, you know, the ditch lady.

The committee, chaired by linguistics enthusiast and substitute teacher Paul Abernathy, reviewed audio submissions from 40 residents. The certified pronunciations range from the technically precise German original to what Abernathy calls the friendly Midwestern approximation, and include one rendering the committee approved only because the speaker, age 94, was described as doing her best.

The important thing is participation, Abernathy said. If you can get within two syllables and show good faith, the poll worker will know who you mean. He then demonstrated all 12 pronunciations in sequence, a performance the minutes describe as thorough and one observer described as a lot.

The committee also issued guidance on write-in spelling leniency: election judges are instructed to count any ballot where the intent is clear, including Schmetterling, Shmetterling, Schmetterlink, and, in one memorable 2022 precedent, the ditch lady (with an arrow pointing to the write-in line).

Schmetterling herself is delighted. In a statement, she said she answers to all 12 pronunciations plus Greta, and that her campaign’s biggest obstacle was never the name but the widespread belief that the Soil and Water Conservation District is, in her words, made up. It is not made up, she added. We manage 400 miles of drainage tile.

The committee’s certification cards — pocket-sized pronunciation guides — will be available at every polling place, printed in 14-point type per the county’s font settlement. Voters are encouraged to practice at home, in the car, or, as Abernathy suggested, in the shower, where he said all difficult names become easy.

Early voting data suggests the effort is working: write-in requests for Schmetterling are up 60 percent, and poll workers report that voters now say her name with what one judge called real confidence, and occasionally, with feeling.